The letter of recommendation that only mentions “excellent English and regular attendance” — what’s not said is the recommendation. The professor didn’t lie. But the absence of academic praise, where academic praise is expected, communicates louder than words.
Silence in relationships: Not responding to a message, giving a one-word answer where a paragraph is expected, failing to mention the obvious — all communicate. The receiver applies the Cooperative Principle and infers meaning from the gap.
The Quantity maxim: Say enough, not too much or too little. When someone says too little (given what we’d expect), the brain fills in what might explain the gap. Usually: they don’t have more positive things to say.
“Vegan tomatoes” — unnecessary information (of course tomatoes are vegan) implies maybe other tomatoes have a problem. The extra specificity creates a shadow that implies something unsaid.
Practical for communication:
- Be aware of what you’re communicating by not saying things
- When giving feedback, the absence of praise for something the person expected praise for is itself feedback — they will notice
- When you want to communicate indirectly (irony, gentle criticism), omission is a tool; use it consciously
In mentoring/leadership: Failing to affirm when affirmation is expected = implied criticism, even if nothing critical was said. Silence has weight in relationships built on regular positive contact.